"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. 

She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."

"Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out."

"Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."

"The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised...it doesn't tolerate assholes.  You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy...[W]hen I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head -- shut up, smile, get the job, move on."

"Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you."

"Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in."

"The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head."

"The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel."

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