Kelley is a poet from Pittsburgh who is working on her first book of poetry. |
© 2001/2002/2003 Kelley Beeson
or
I do not know
which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.
Wallace Stevens
Even here, across
the country, the cadence of kindness remains the same.
This
morning, the curtains pulled back exposing the Bitteroots of the Rockies,
gracious
mommas for the girl who's never been further west than Michigan.
Last
night this was the truth: Fucking is a
brilliant idea.
We'll
need sustenance at Paul's Pancakes in the morning.
And
this: she trusts anything foreign and invites it through the looking glass,
everything in repose.
Peach crepes on the plate in front of her, two twins in the amniotic sac,
side by side.
For
months the truth has been this: he is her hip-clinging match.
The
pacific outline of his face, is his face.
But then:
the
fluorescent lights in the diner; the aurora borealis on the plane the night
before;
the wave
of
passengers dividing down the middle, tipped toward their windows.
m
He
screws her in his gray Ford behind the Ace Hardware.
Enters her.
Finishes.
Dresses.
The
whole time explicating the poem he wrote about just this spot:
the Clark Fork River and the pheasant and
the
squirrel and the crow.
But the edge of his voice bursts before becoming his voice and she is
sliding panties and truth over her legs and she is not listening.
She is thinking about and how sadness spins and pricks before it becomes
stellar and now her panties glow electric, are diaphanous.
She is lit and transparent and this is the truth: the mythical heart
kicks and
everything left— a well, pain-deep.
m
Each
month the body's other mouth opens a gorge,
a
guileless wound and pleasing.
There are reddened maps— dragons, views of continents from space—
slabs
and ribbons of blood on her panties.
She imagines the rods of blood,
split into ropes surrounded by loose strands and fibrous
clots,
like
wakes or jets:
her guides into to the body, so familiar it's primitive:
fire
down at the roots
These
are days of pleading:
the refrain: you must not let the
blood!
Widowed
from the body, in exile from the flesh yet welcomed into another fold,
of womanhood.
But
she is still split. Butterflied
and
instead of the moon she listens to the stars:
Go to where
the white road meets nothing.
No, further: the hidden gears in the mobile above your crib.
Further: the genetic spark of female.
Further still: the evening, at Lascaux.
She
is a flitting cabbage butterfly made of white Chinese paper,
folded and folded again, hinged to those
migrating
winged selves.
She is passing , coming undone.
The
cut cord drops, catches in an electrical storm of hormones,
slips from the delicate place,
edges
frayed and long, a braid of animal hair draped between her legs— a
benediction, a sign:
There are many ways to be saved.
m
I
stop to carefully measure the Atlantic coastline.
m
I
am not surprised my mother's name, Gail
rises from lively, from stranger.
Everything
practical at fourteen.
Patient as violets.
At
27 everything impractical:
a longing for those heavy milk-filled pears,
nipples
the size of her
husband's palms, a belly—
full
of cane sugar, bulgar wheat, toasted almonds, anything new— pulled taut.
In
front of the mirror, arms swept up ,
she
gathers thick mounds of dark brown curls,
already
a motherhood, calls them forth through the brush,
creates
static— baby shorts and cracks.
This is where my life began:
a
moment of care for the self before a smaller self arrives,
a
prayer mouthed against dried rose petals darkened with lampblack.
The
long weathering had silvered her hair,
set
her on fire so she would burn up quicker.
When
I arrived, the amber in the salted ship of her womb
was
the raft for my nub-body.
Amber— gold
of the north.
Mohammed says:
a true believer's prayer beads should be made of amber.
Women once carried
amber
around in small bags to guard against the swapping of newborn babies.
Her
womb, a purse of sheepskin, tucked like an undercurrent in the ocean
moved through the streets.
She
turned in bed, amber rubbed against my body, against the chargeable walls.
Produced
sparks. Husks,
feathers, small wooden splinters—
anything
loosed from nests— flocked to her belly.
Such
capricious sparks, lunatic currents and tensions, I was sure to be a girl:
flowering
daughter of Agammemnon and Clytemnestra.
I
am— tender
shoot where promise and fact grow together—
Amber. After elektron. After electricity.
A Sestina of Naming
(nominated
for the Pushcart Prize in 2001)
Maybe
this is why I am a poet: I
answer the call to name.
Between
the hours of midnight and four I assign
everything
a name: the small lamp becomes All
Light;
the cat, Goddess; the curtains flung
wide, Some Truth
I
Will Never Close.
Each thing is something else and
itself:
a
beauty that begins quietly but, like impulsive nature, turns,
uprooting
the sediments of meaning. Turning
the
early morning into Holy Dalliance
where names
are
sacred gifts I could give to every tiny hair, themselves
important
enough to be called-on by name, assigned
a
special title. Each one telling the
long dirty truth
of
my life: Straight.
Brittle. Fine.
Even Gray, which is all
that
will be left one day. And then I
will name them all
Gray
and love each in its old age as they slowly turn
through
the brush. I will know I am Old and learn the sweet truths
that
my grandmother and mother knew. Recording
their names
here: Gail-- Father
of Joy. Shirley-- Song is Mine.
Assigning
later
my own name, Kelley-- Warrior Maiden,
confusing in and of itself.
A
contradiction like me. A perfect
fit. How could they know the self
being
born, would fit into such a big name? All
of
it a house for me to live in. Six
letters gently assigned
to
be me. Or me to be them. My signature, quick evidence of the turns
I've
made in this life. Driver's
License. Patient.
Name
of
Applicant.
Somehow though, it is not the whole truth.
Kelley
doesn't begin to name me. Doesn't
address the truth
of
my life: the way heat rises in my
belly as I make myself
come;
It forgets my mercurial cycle, which I name
Loveliness;
faces of my breasts, the pawing hands and all
the
ways I tighten when I am cold, the skin-- Tender
Word-- turning
inward. I wish for something that does not forget.
A name that assigns
authority
to every cell. Delight.
Promise. Season.
An assignation
to
designate me alive. One that finds
the sparse truth
of
the world and includes me in it. The
way waves turn
up
and back-- Commitment. I will name
myself
and
in that I will name everything. All
the
transactions, streets and sojourns, they too will be named.
The
world lifts up its assignments. Asks
for the names
of
all its ferocious truths and then turns,
leaving me in the brilliant wake of itself, of it all.
_____
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All work is property of Kelley Beeson. © 2001/2002/2003.
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